I Dreaded The Small Talk

You know how it goes. How are you? What’s new? How are the kids? Can you believe this weather?

We were invited to a gathering recently to celebrate my mother-in-law’s birthday with some family and a few of her friends. My husband’s known them since he was a kid, and they’ve seen the good, the bad, and the downright ugly years. They know him as little Tommy, and while I’ve met them, I feel like I’m walking in without the decoder ring to all the things I was supposed to know, even though I wasn’t part of those years.

I feel like I’m walking in without the decoder ring to all the things I was supposed to know…

I’ll admit I felt some dread on the way there, wondering how the conversation might flow. Small talk is one of the banes of my existence. I’ll do it, and I’ll smile while I do, but the whole time I’m thinking about what I’d rather ask.

What’s keeping you up at night?

What are you working on in your internal life? What are you hoping changes, if you’re hoping for change at all? What have you been through that’s still changing you? I like those conversations, one person at a time, and they don’t fit well around a table for eight.

On the way down to the party, my husband and I listened to Vanessa Van Edwards on The Diary of a CEO. She wrote Cues and Captivate, and she calls herself a recovering awkward person. I recognized that right away, because I’m a recovering perfectionist, and I’m starting to think the two groups share members.

Fun fact: I used to write for her Science of People website.

She had a number of great conversation starters, but one simple suggestion stuck. Instead of “how was your day,” try “tell me something good” or “what are you looking forward to.” It primes the response to be positive, looking for the good.

So I tried it on a woman across the table. She paused, and I watched her face change as she thought through the answer. Then she told me about a trip she’s hoping to take and a date later that weekend. I could see her mind shift in real time.

I just received my copy of Vanessa’s new book, Conversation, and I’m looking forward to digging in to learn how I can uplevel these interactions. The older I get, the more I know I don’t want to default to the banal. I want to really KNOW people. (Another favorite book: How to Know A Person, by David Brooks.)

So, what are you looking forward to this week?

P.S. If you’re newer here, you may not know that I love hearing people’s stories, and I have the privilege of helping (mostly) women write their books. If you’ve ever thought about writing one and have questions, I host free Book Coach Office Hours every month.

The next one is Thursday, October 15, at 3 p.m. Pacific, and you can register here. I keep it to 15 people so we can have a real conversation, which seems fitting for today’s topic.

If you can’t make that time but would like the invitations in your inbox, you can join the Book Coach Office Hours mailing list here.

This was originally posted on my Substack.