People-Pleasing and the Art of Friendship

Today (August 6) is National Friendship Day, so it seems appropriate to post what I’m learning about myself in adult friendships. Enjoy!

I never saw myself as a people pleaser until I lost a long-time friendship and had to consider the path that led to its demise. Instagrammer Hailey Page Magee (@haileypaigemagee) shared these people-pleasing thoughts along with healthy reframes. And the first three really hit home.

PPT (People-pleasing thought) #1: How do I stop from having these needs?

Healthy Thought: Does this relationship still work for me?

PPT #2: How can I make myself less sensitive?

Healthy Thought: What boundaries can I set to protect myself from hurtful behavior?

PPT #3: My needs are too much.

Healthy Thought: We’re probably not a good fit for each other.

PPT #4: If they’re not willing to put in the effort to maintain our relationship, I’ll do all the work myself.

Healthy Thought: If they’re not willing to put in the effort to maintain our relationship, then this isn’t going to work.

PPT #5: I’ve asked again and again that they change the way they treat me, and they haven’t—so I will ask yet again.

Healthy Thought: I have asked, and they haven’t changed, so it’s time to set a boundary.

Deep down, I was afraid to lose the relationship, so I accommodated her and changed my behavior, even though those close to me kept telling me how lopsided it appeared. I stubbornly refused to see it—questioning my feelings, minimizing my needs, and making myself small to maintain the part of the friendship I enjoyed.

One day, I finally acknowledged that it wasn’t working for me and asked for a change. You see, I believe people in close and mature relationships can work through difficult experiences with mutual trust, intimacy, and a desire to grow. I assume we want the best for each other and say things out of love, not malice.

But asking for what you need is HARD if you have people-pleasing tendencies. The fear of it not working out the way I hoped was very real and kept me people-pleasing for a long time. And my fears were realized when it didn’t work out. I know this relationship wasn’t a great fit, as disappointing as that is. And I’m learning to overcome the thoughts that keep me in a people-pleasing mindset. I have to trust that there is something better for me.

As in so many other places, there is beauty in the jagged, broken pieces of life. When I first posted an Instagram reel about adult friendships, I mentioned, very vulnerably (GULP), that I could use some more growth-oriented women in my life. The number of people who responded and said they felt the same way and said they’d like to get together stunned me. I guess I’m not alone.

Getting to know these women better through beach walks and lunches has been fabulous. I am learning the joy of having more voices in my circle. These one-on-one connections are just what my social introvert soul craves. So while losing this friendship hurts, forming new ones fills my soul.

It seems others are thinking about adult friendships and how to forge new ones, as it’s been the topic of several podcasts. I particularly liked the episode where Jen Hatmaker hosted Laura Tremaine, author of The Life Council: 10 Friends Every Woman Needs.

The episode Finding Friends, Keeping Them and What To Do When You Break Up was excellent and helped me think about my friends and how they serve very different roles in my life.

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Have you ever experienced people-pleasing thoughts?

What’s your strategy for kindly speaking up for yourself?